I am spamming you because I hate spam.

Don’t we all? But see, the truth is: if spam didn’t work, there would be no spam. Spam exists because people respond to it. I’m begging you. STOP.

Here’s a few tips:

Email spammers can make the sender’s name show up as anything they want. They can also make the sender’s email address be whatever they want. It’s kind of like the return address on an envelope. Just because it says it’s from, your BFF, or your mother, doesn’t mean it is.

If you didn’t recently purchase plane tickets, send a parcel, or open a Foursquare account, ignore the emails suggesting you did. (Duh.)

If you are led to believe that your bank, your credit card, or your Facebook account is imminently about to explode, splattering your personal information across the World Wide Web, check out before taking action, or better yet, check out the organisation’s REAL website. Research, people. Honestly.

It’s great that you believe so passionately in a cause, but stop telling your friends that “if they don’t have the guts” to repost, resend, re-tweet, or otherwise regurgitate your sentiments, they are horrible people who don’t give a monkey’s bottom about the world. You didn’t say that? Well, actually, in so many words, you did. Please read carefully before forwarding a message.

Furthermore, I’m pretty sure there is no deity out there who is going to judge your faith based on how willing you are to evangelise through mouse clicking. The guilt-tripping can stop now.

If you care about your friends, your sister, your father, or those who lost great-aunts to the War of 1812, tell them so. Quite frankly, I don’t care.

You may think you’re helping your friends by sending them links to free coupons and great online deals, but really, you’re helping mass corporations by becoming part of the largest FREE source of marketing in the world.

And, for the love of all humanity:

Weight loss pills don’t work. Eat less crap. Exercise more. And know that your body type does not define you.

If you need Viagra, freakin’ get over it and ask your doctor. (And lay-off the cigarettes.)

And finally, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR PENIS. If you’re not getting laid, it’s probably because you’re a loser. How so? You buy penis enlargement pills online.

Together, we can stop spam. Together, we can stop being ignorant tools in the hands of spammers, and can regain some thread of human dignity.

If you think this message will benefit others, pass it along. If you don’t, then don’t. You will not lose friends on account of it; no puppies will die from your lack of action, and God will not strike you with a 300kA bolt of guilt. I promise.

Thank you for your time.



P.S. Oh, and that account in Nigeria that contains the thousands of dollars left to you in the will of some long forgotten relative? It doesn’t exist. Really.


About Bronwyn

Love avocados, making forts with my daughter -- love and lattes with my man. Professional communicator interested in sustainability, poverty, motherhood, and God.
This entry was posted in 2: Slippery Soap-Box. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to SPAM TO STOP SPAM

  1. Delightfully amusing and ironic: In order to rant, you had to use the same imposing tone as is present in SPAM; and in order for me to share this post with others, I have to commit an act of SPAM! 🙂

  2. Mark Pijl-Zieber says:

    Well done Bronwyn. Great wisdom. I have passed it on to everyone in my contact list (just kidding). Hope you are well 🙂

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